There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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