I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
