At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
