I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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