If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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