Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
