Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
