i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
