saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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