worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
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He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
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Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
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