Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
