SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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