I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
