I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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