Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
