Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
