even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize