I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
