happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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