Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
