When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm at about main and main street
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
