she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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