my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
