If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
