I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
