just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize