They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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