i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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