I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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