I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Randomize
