I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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