Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
