they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We left the knife in your bed.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
