barbara walters just said penis...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
