I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
