are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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