My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
