he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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