they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
