Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
