If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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