I look better un-naked...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
