I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My pussy is not your playground.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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