I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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