I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
