I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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