I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
