I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I currently don't understand fingers.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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