Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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