the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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