she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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