I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
