i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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