I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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