That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
