Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
