Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
