Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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