It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
