if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
