Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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