My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
