Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
