can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
