her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
